Gratitude

This will sound awful, but for a long time I was not grateful for my son. I was confused and stressed and angry and sad. From the first day Monster came into my life he was demanding and needy and sickly and he didn't sleep and he cried always. I couldn't understand how our baby could be so horrible to deal with when other moms seemed glowy and thrilled with theirs. And as Monster grew older, I became more stressed by his behavior. When he was two he got in trouble at his daycare for beating up a teacher and throwing a chair across the room. Hubby and I fought all of the time and we were so lost. It was a scary feeling.
The diagnosis we got when Monster was 4-1/2 changed everything. After the initial sadness and sense of loss I finally was able to stop looking at myself and my son as horrible people and to start seeing the gift my son is.
So this is my thoughts on gratitude tonight.

I am grateful that:

My child is healthy and seems happy
My marriage has survived and we seem to be reconnecting
My son has a sense of humor, eats well, is bright and beautiful and loves to make us laugh
People have come into my life and been the angels who lifted me up in the worst of times and shined a small light through the darkness so I could get through.
I am a stronger person thanks to my son. I have been forced to fight fights I would have never chosen to fight, and I have been forced to deal with issues I would have never chosen to fight.
I am a more giving, caring person. I can look at parents now and see "rotten" children and feel not judgement, but compassion, and a sense of wanting to help.
I am more outgoing now. I hate talking to people and I hate asking for things. I have to now.
I am tougher. I am pushier. I don't care if people don't like me. My job is to raise my son and to find him help. Sometimes this makes me look like a mega bitch. I don't care.

I was lying on my son's bed this evening while we played "babies" with those little stuffed toys they're putting in Happy Meals - they have little bottles you can "feed" to little stuffed animals. And I realized that life right now is damned good. Nothing is perfect and we are still in the midst of a fight with the afterschool program, but my son is so wonderful that I would not trade anything to get a neurotypical child. It just wouldn't be my boy. Monster is who he is, and he is that way for a reason. He opens my life to so much that I was shut off to before he came along.

My Monster is wonderful. I feel sad about those lost years when I could have been appreciating my child. I wish I had had him diagnosed so much earlier. But I can't do anything about that.

What I do now is make sure my son knows how deeply loved he is every single day. And appreciated. I want him to know how much life he has brought into my soul just by being here.