In the beginning

All was calm. Monster has had a great first week at both school and day treatment. Yesterday two boys had a huge fight on the bus going from school to day treatment, and my boy sat in his seat with his ears covered, crying. Poor guy. He couldn't really explain to us what had happened but he left his backpack on the bus, and in my phone calls and attempts to retrieve the backpack I learned most of the story about the fight and was oddly pleased that my son was not a participant. But he was very traumatized last night. He screamed and cried most of the evening. Thank goodness he wore himself out and fell asleep (in Mommy and Daddy's bed).

I guess it must be the day treatment he's been in all summer. It must be working. His teacher wrote to me on his first day about how she noticed a new level of maturity in him and responsibility.

So. Things have quieted down for the time being. The OCR case was dismissed due to lack of evidence. The home day care where Monster stayed for a couple of months before getting kicked out, and then told me months later that he had been spanked and flicked in the head, is being investigated for reports of child abuse. I got a call the other day from the county dept of child protective services. They just wanted to know if anything had happened to Monster when he was there. So I told her.

If it's true, I hope they get those people but good.

No schools to fight. Nothing more to do right now but love my boy. He is just so sweet and wonderful, and life seems to have calmed down for all of us. Sure we still have our wild days, but they're fewer, and Monster is much more pleasant most of the time.

I know that what happened these past couple of months with me was the mourning I didn't allow myself to do over 2 years ago. I didn't think I had a right to mourn, what with this healthy, wonderful child I had. But I had to mourn SOMETHING, I guess. Instead, I just got really angry and fought anyone who tried to get in the way of my getting what my son needed for him. When there was nobody to be angry with anymore, I suddenly sank into the sadness that had been there all along. I don't know - maybe it's guilt, or regret, or whatever. Still blaming myself for how Monster turned out, even though I really think he would be the same no matter how vigilant I had been when I was pregnant.

Was it the fact that he stopped breathing and his heart stopped a few times during delivery? Was it my high BP? Was it the daily can of Diet Coke I couldn't give up? Was it the immunizations that I didn't bother to question, because I know they're good, but maybe should have requested the individual doses, spread out farther apart?

I don't know. I don't even know that I care much anymore. Monster is wonderful just as he is. I still worry that he won't have friends, or at least not good friends who treat him well. But all in all, I think he'll be okay. But that's just today speaking. It is nice to feel hope occasionally, no matter how brief it is.

My first grade boy

Where has the time gone, my sweetest boy? Tomorrow you start first grade. It came so quickly. And you - even in the past few months I have watched you change and become so much more independent, so much more ready to take on the world without me.
I've been trying to give you more freedom without letting you go completely. Sometimes I know I pull on you too hard and other times I probably should be more watchful. It's so difficult to find the right balance.

My focus on you has become less of "my son who has Aspergers" to simply "my son". You will always have Asperger's, but I am able to see lately that this won't homd you back in many ways at all. I know you're having friend troubles, and this worries me, but I also know this is something you need to learn to work through, on your own, in your own way. I can project my own feelings of loneliness that I have had in the past onto you, but they aren't your feelings. I think I've spent a very long time feeling your feelings for you, or interpreting your feelings in my own way.

I have high hopes that this year will be so much better for you. I think you are finally in a stable place where you are understood, and so I don't have any big worries over the school year.

I just pray that you will make friends. And be happy. And learn well. And develop the love of learning that will carry you through life.

Good luck, my grown-up boy!!! I can't wait to hear all about your first day.

Love, Mom.