Friends

I used to have friends. All through school I had friends. Even though I wasn’t popular there were always girls and boys that I played with. All the way through high school I had groups of friends. But I was fickle. I hopped from group to group as it suited me. Occasionally I had only one friend and excluded everyone else from my life.

So now I don’t find it surprising that, at 43, I am lacking IRL friends. The last best friend I had got angry with me for moving 2,000 miles away from her and then having a baby, so we stopped keeping in touch. That was 6 years ago. I went to those mommy-and-me-type classes to try and make friends, but found out quickly I was nothing like any of the mothers I met. I was older than most. I had only one child and didn’t want more. I didn’t obsess over getting back to my pre-baby weight. I could have tried to reach out and find something in common with these women, but instead I drew myself in and pulled away.

There were a couple of promising leads, but both came to screaching halts as it became apparent that my child was different from most and that both of these mommies seemed to think it was my fault. So once again I pulled back. I think I was probably feeling this judgment by these women only because I felt so guilty about Monster myself. Chances are they didn’t judge me at all, and I walked away from their friendships due to my own paranoia.But I don’t think much of it because my life is too full for friends. And I know I’m supposed to be taking time off for just me, and I do, but I take that time alone. I feel very content to be a solitary person, it turns out. I have my little family here and I have friends on a board I have belonged to for years now, and they are my truest friends. They are there when I need them and I try to be there for them when they need me, but they are not demanding my time and attention unless I turn on my computer and head over to the board. I’m sure this makes me the most selfish person in the world, but my life is not set up for IRL friends anymore. Whatever time I don’t spend with my husband and/or kid is time I want to spend by myself, doing exactly what I want to do and not having to compromise with anyone else.

Now, is it old age that has done this to me? Have I always been antisocial but made exceptions in school to keep from being a lonely outcast? I don’t know. It bothers me only very occasionally. I shouldn’t say I have no IRL friends, I guess. I have two that I meet up with once a month or so for dinner, and we have been friends for almost 12 years. But one now has two tiny kids and the other has a grandchild and I worry that we are all sort of slipping away from each other into our own remote lives.

I guess I wouldn’t be opposed to having a new IRL best friend if the right person came along. But for now I enjoy my solitude and my quiet. My husband is a lot like me, although lately he is reaching out and getting involved in things and getting out into society. I do make attempts. I took a knitting class. I belong to a support group. I keep meaning to join a book club or something like that. But then part of me just wants to stay inside of myself, secluded and safe. I’m not ready to expose a lot of myself to someone at this time, and I can’t have superficial relationships.
Someday, maybe, I’ll have a new friend. For now I wil hang out on the computer and be a loner. But not a sad one. Just someone who feels a need to close herself away from people most of the time. Remind me of this when I am nagging my son to get out there and make friends.