You know how you want special moments to go the right way?

Monster’s last day riding the “big bus” today.

And of course it was traumatic. It couldn’t be a simple, happy day. Monster was first in line but when the bus pulled up the brothers behind him climbed on first because M had been playing and didn’t even have his backpack on. So when they climbed on in front of him he threw himself down on the ground and started crying. I was hissing, “get up, GET UP!” and trying to shove his arms into his backpack straps. I finally got him onto that bus and he waved at me as it drove off, once again with tears just streaming down his little face. Sigh.

We had a talk about the benefit of the little bus this morning on the walk to the bus stop. The little bus will stop right in front of our house. Monster will always be “first” because he will be the only one getting picked up from our house. He wanted to know if he would be first on the bus and I told him no, probably not. But first in LINE, always. He seemed okay with that.

I can’t help it. I still think that my son will be ostracized by the other kids who know he comes to school on the “short bus”. Remember the joke, “Yeah, you were one of those kids who went to school on the ‘short bus’!”? Are kids beyond that now? Everyone assures me they are but I have my doubts. My son will be arriving at school in a bus obviously for special kids. He will go to a classroom for special kids.

What have I done? Is this really what he needs? I wonder if this was a budget cut move? Put the kid who needs his own aide in a classroom where they can get rid of his aide. No. I can’t do this to myself. I made this choice based on the best information I had. Monster’s IEP doesn’t change much – just the Level 2 changing to Level 3 (100% time spent in special ed setting). The rest – the positive behavior plan, the permission to chew gum or leave the room when stressed – all goes with him. He will get everything he had at his old school, plus a calmer, quieter “home room” setting. Plus a chance to learn how to pay attention and get his classwork done.

I wish I had the guts to tell them to fuck off, that my son is NOT going to be turned into a worker drone robot. But I see the need for all kids, and especially kids like mine, to learn what school teaches. He NEEDS to learn to respect teachers and pay attention and do what he is asked and get along with his peers. I could raise him to be another Unabomber instead, but I want him to have a regular life. Is that bad?

I am a “Question Authority” person. I allow my son to have his say if he thinks I am being unfair (his dad is this way too). I want him to think for himself and I want him to be an individual. He used to paint his nails and the kids at his daycare would tease him and he would tell them, “it’s not for girls only; it’s for whoever likes it.” I don’t want that lost. I don't want him to develop that fear of being different, of being set apart from his peers. Because isn’t that the ultimate authority for most kids – their peers? So teaching my son to sit still and get his work done seems to go against what I truly believe. But he needs to learn, because what good is an ignorant rebel? I want him to swim against the tide but how does he learn to do that if he doesn’t understand how the tide flows to begin with?

I guess I just need reassurance that I am not damaging his psyche beyond repair by putting him in this classroom. I want a guarantee. Why the hell doesn’t any life choice I make for my child come with a guarantee? It makes life pretty scary sometimes.