Musings on happiness

An online friend of mine asked theses questions; “Are you happy? What is happiness to you? Do you consider yourself to be happy most of the time?”

Am I happy? It depends upon how you define happiness. And as I thought about this question, I realized my definition of happiness has changed quite a bit since I was younger, and is almost unrecognizable when compared to my definition from when I was a child.

Since Monster came into my life my definition of happiness has once again changed drastically. The things that make me happy now are far from what I used to think would make me happy in the past, or what I considered happiness to be.

I was a very unhappy child. Looking back with the knowledge I have now, it’s easy to see that I was clinically depressed. I developed an obsession with death and suicide at a very early age, and my memories of childhood are all awful ones. Even the better memories of playing with friends outside of school seem colored by some sort of dark shadow that hovered about me, always reminding me that having fun did not last, happiness and play were only distractions for the moment. Most of my life was fear, anger and sadness.

In school I was a misfit. Not so much the friendless kind, because all through school I had friends I played with after school and on weekends. But in school the popular girls were torturous and my friends knew better than to draw attention to themselves by defending me. I didn’t blame them one bit. The relief came in middle school when a large group of wonderful girls took me in as one of their own and I had a large, safe place where I belonged. None of us were catty or mean to each other. It was a safe haven for three years. Those years were in many ways happy for me. We went roller skating every weekend and all summer long and those are some of the best memories I have of my childhood. We had freedom and we had unlimited time and energy.

High school though ended up being one long struggle to find happiness in drinks, drugs, sex, etc. And I had FUN, tons of fun in HS, but at the same time I was not particularly happy. So there’s my first clue about happiness – When I was having the most fun of my whole life, I was not happy. So fun does not = happiness.

Out of HS I got married and felt trapped and restless. Not happy. I did some really stupid things in my pursuit for happiness. A few times I came close to destroying everything in my life. Part of me believed that happiness could be found in freedom. To this day I long to have grown up a biker, a gypsy, a loner – someone free to come and go as she pleases, with no ties and no one to need me. But I also longed for the feeling of belonging – I have spent a good part of my life wishing I were American Indian because a) Indian women are beautiful, and I wouldn’t mind being beautiful, and b) they have a history that goes back forever and joins them cosmically. They have a sense of belonging I will never have.

If I belonged, or if I were free, would I be happy?When my life spiraled out of control and I ended up suicidal in a locked psychiatric ward, it was time for me to admit that my attempts at happiness were failing completely.
I think that was my first bit of understanding that happiness was something that needed to be found inside myself.

Antidepressants lifted me above the chasm and got me back onto solid ground. And for the next ten years I simply existed. I worked. I loved my husband. I tried to make friends but discovered I didn’t really like having friends and didn’t have much in common with anyone. My friend was my husband, and we did everything together. We did make friends at some points. We hung out with a couple who were hilarious and we always laughed so hard when we were together. But our times together revolved around drinking, and at some point the two of them would get too drunk and start fighting. Every time we got together. I finally had it and kicked them out one night and we never heard from them again. And my best friend before I moved across the country was another one who always wanted to drink. We had so much fun together and laughed all the time, but once again, we weren’t exactly happy, although at the time I think we thought we were. When I moved she got angry with me for abandoning her, and that friendship ended.If I had friends besides my husband, would I be happy?

Then Monster comes along. I was convinced I HAD to have a baby. I don’t know why. I just knew I was getting old and I needed to try.
Monster changed my life completely, but not in a good way at first. For a good two years after his birth I would find myself thinking constantly, “WHAT have I done with my life!?!” The child would not sleep. He was constantly fussy and unconsolable. The only thing I could do to comfort him was nurse him, which I ended up doing constantly for almost two years. Hubby and I fought all of the time because I was spoiling Monster, while I was grabbing at straws and doing anything I could to help this baby to not be so miserable. We fought over having him cry it out. We fought over how often I breastfed. We fought over whose turn it was to get up with this baby who didn’t sleep through the night until he was almost 4. I knew I wasn’t happy then. I felt like I had done something horrible to my life and my marriage. But I loved Monster so deeply that I never regretted having him. No matter how bad things were my Monster was beautiful and special and my love for him was fierce and strong.

As life crumbled and I sank deeper into despair over everything – my son, my lack of parenting skills, my husband – I spent many nights considering cashing it all in. There was so much unhappiness in my house that I didn’t know how to survive it.Through all of this, Monster grew and as he became more reconizable as a person I fell even more deeply in love with him. He started to bring me joy and I started to think we were through the worst. This was happiness. I survived the worst and got through. This was cause to celebrate.

But then Monster started getting kicked out of daycares. Something was wrong. And of course, according to everyone, something was wrong with ME, not Monster. So I hated myself for being this parent who couldn’t keep her child nuder control. I was the mom other moms gave dirty looks to when I entered the daycare for pickup. My son was a bully with rotten parents.

The Asperger’s diagnosis we got when Monster was 4-1/2 offered quite a bit of relief. I was able to stop hating myself and being angry with M for not being a “normal” kid. Even hubby started to come around and realize that these things were not my fault.

Through all of this I have decided that “happiness” to me is simply a state of contentment.When Monster doesn’t get kicked out of school, when my job is going well, when we are all at home together in the evening and Monster is happy and not crying and/or angry, this is contentment. Sitting in a quiet home knowing my loved ones are all safe and sound and we’re all together, that is happiness. Knowing on cold nights that we are fortunate enough to be someplace warm; that we are able to give my child food and clothing, and the extras that he needs – classes, therapy, etc. This is my happiness.
Getting the school to agree to something I ask for. Getting OCR to agree that my son has been discriminated against. Being able to help others who are struggling with everything I have struggled with the past couple of years – these things make me happy.

Happiness is fleeting and so when it settles around me I relish it now. It does have a lot to do with my state of mind but when I am stressed over five different things going on with Monster and school and daycare I am not able to find that place where I can be calm. This is probably something I need to work on. It’s only when the resolutions have been reached that I can rest. Rest is happiness.

Have I lowered my standards as far as what brings me happiness? It appears that way. But maybe what I have been forced to realize thanks to Monster is that happiness is not something I can buy or acquire. It’s something that I give to and receive from those that I love. Monster has brought me more happiness than I ever could have imagined, and instead of worrying over whether or not I deserve this happiness (which is how I’ve always viewed my own happiness in the past), I know that I have struggled, fought, screamed, cried, bitten, ached, ripped myself apart, in order to reach this place of quiet and contentment and rest, my new happiness.
And since I also know now that the fight for my son will never end – the places will change but there will always be problems that need my attention and sometimes I will need to struggle again – I know to appreciate the brief moments as the sweep by. They are well-deserved and I do my best to allow them to settle me without looking ahead. This has been something I needed to learn too, because I always used to spend my peaceful times waiting for “the other shoe to drop”. Now I know the shoe is going to drop. So I relish the moments at the plateaus, where I stop struggling and rest. Rest is happiness. Quiet is happiness. Warmth and shelter is happiness. Holding my hubby and child is happiness. Sleep is happiness. Books are happiness, and having the time to read them is bliss.

These are my lessons, learned hard and well. Thanks to my beautiful and amazing Monster. He is my main happiness.