There is this sadness that won’t leave me, and I have had good friends tell me I need to find a good therapist to help me work through this sadness. I have my antidepressants and anti-anxiety pills and sleeping pills. But yes, all my psychiatrist does is hand me prescritions. And he too has asked me to talk to someone about my issues.
Here are my issues though. I fight and fight and fight for my child. Every new incident with him is something I need to be notified of, and something that needs to be discussed and dissected by people at his school and up until recently his daycare.
Now I am in the process of looking for a PCA for him in the hopes that there will be someone I trust to watch him in the summer. This in itself is terribly stressful to me because I don’t know how I will trust anyone alone with my son now that he has been hurt at least twice that we know of by caregivers. So there’s that. Plus this outside behavioral school that is getting involved and may take Monster half days during the summer, to teach him social skills and behavior skills. This too is up in the air. There are intake interviews and a waiting list.
Now we are considering placing Monster into a new school and a special needs classroom for children with behavioral difficulties. And while I agree 100% that Monster needs to learn no coping techniques in school, I can’t get myself excited about this place. I worry I’m putting him in the wrong place and my stomach hurts every time I think about it.
I have sent an email to the autism specialist, the special ed coordinator, and Monster’s caseworker, asking them if this is it, if this is the only option, or if there is anything else out there? I have visions of a small, quiet classroom with high-functioning ASD children all in one place, learning how to behave and get along. Not this classroom that is strictly for bad kids who, aside from Matt, have abuse/mental health/neglect issues. How much does that really matter? I don’t know. They all need to learn the same thing but for different reasons. Hubby is all for it – thinks it sounds great. I don’t know why I can’t be happy with it, and why it feels wrong to me.
I have messages to my parent advocate and to my son’s psychologist to get their opinions, and maybe to clarify what is bothering me about this situation. I can’t get past the idea that my son is going to be placed in a classroom for “bad kids”. Because he is incredibly sweet, and I have heard and read more often than I can count that placing these kids in these classroom environments is like throwing the lamb to the wolves. I worry contantly about the kid. Is this why I need help? What can someone tell me, except that I do what I can and then let the rest go? I do everything I can, but I can’t let it go. There is too much at stake. My child’s whole life and future is at stake, and I can’t afford to slip.
There’s too much that is just “out there” that I cannot fix or control in any way, even though decisions need to be made. My child is at the mercy of so many people and so much of that is out of my control. It hurts and scares me. And I don’t know who can help me fix this. It’s simply a reality in my life and yes I’m sure there are coping skills I could learn. I could learn to let go. It won’t happen. I need to keep constant vigil for this child because he is vulnerable and sweet and trusting.
I’m not complaining. I love Monster so much that I am proud to do these things for him. I am not resentful that I am giving up my peace of mind to assure that my child gets what he needs. But giving him his best means that I cannot rest. I can never be satisifed and leave everything to someone else. That’s not how it works. This child is my responsibility and he needs me to be 100% involved. Maybe someday there will be a place when I can say, I have to let this one go and release my anxieties for the time being, but it’s not something in the foreseeable future, and it isn’t something I am counting on.
What else would a counselor do? Tell me to ask for help. And this is what I spend my days doing. I hunt down anyone I think I can get on my side and I ask for help. And everyone who can help is more than generous with their knowledge, their information, their assistance. But that assistance is only to help me find my way. They can’t carry me through this. They do seem to pop up at the worst times and hold my hand through the storms, but then they need to get back to their own lives, and I thank them for being my temporary guardian angel, and forge ahead alone again.
And yes I have a husband and yes he helps. He takes Monster to appointments and goes to meetings and loves Monster dearly and wants the very best for him just like me. But he is not 100% focused on Monster like I am, and I don’t expect him to be. Because I am the one who has been carrying Monster through this from the beginning, from the first time I thought something was wrong. I have been the one to seek out others to help. I have been the one to fight the fights that I thought needed to be fought, because my husband, dear soul that he is, will not fight for many of the things I fight for, because he doesn’t see the point. He sees it as me slamming my head against brick walls. And perhaps this is what I do a lot of the time. But I think of mothers in nature, of the frantic way mother animals act when their young are threatened, and that is how I feel. Aminalistic. Instinctually doing almost irrational things in the hopes that I am doing right by my child – that I am helping him survive and thrive.
I would lay down my life for my son without a second thought. And it is this that gets me in trouble, because each day I feel as if I giving aways pieces of my life to my son. And I give them gladly. And the depression is for the most part simply stress and the feeling of loss that seems to dog me always, as I give away myself to this child who truly deserves everything I have. I don’t resent him for it. But it’s a pain I simply bear.
I try not to slip into self-pity but I do end up there often. I only need to wrap my arms around my son, to hold him against me, to release that self-pity and give myself over to this child. I am not trying to be heroic. I am not any different than most other mothers. I am trying to make sure that my child, who was born with this disorder that will make his life more difficult, has the best chances at happiness and a good life. I am not afraid to give myself up for that cause. It is only because I fatigue and overwhelm myself that I make my life feel difficult and sad. Really, it isn’t. It is amazing and wonderful when I allow myself the chance to take a deep breath and look around. So. Do I need a therapist? Probably. But if she tells me to stop giving so much to my son I don’t think I’ll be able to listen. I can’t stop giving to him without hating myself for not being a good enough mother. It’s not a difficult choice. Any mother would make this choice if they had my child.
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2 comments:
Dear Pangaia,
I found your blog last night and read a lot of it, and have thought about it -- or, you -- every since. Your son and my son have a lot in common, except that my son is now 11, and he generally was quiet, shy and well-behaved in school, saving all his rage and aggression for home. (Lucky us!) Then this year he started expressing anger at school, and so we've been hearing about "disrespect" and "not trying" etc etc all year. He's very, very, bright and does well in school, and until recently "only" had the dx of ADHD, so didn't qualify for an IEP or school services. (So we've been providing him with OT and counseling privately.) Recently his psychiatrist and therapist talked to us about features of AS. So now I'm reading everything I can about AS, and also looking at AS-oriented classrooms in middle schools. So I can relate to your story.
In terms of our histories, I also think we share a lot. I spent much of my childhood in what now seems clearly to have been clinical depression. My family life was pretty cold and stormy at the same time. I didn't have a lot of coping skills, except to try to be perfect. I guess that's why my son was dropped in my lap, to force me to finally let go of the "perfect" thing. There really is no perfect way to raise a very challenging child. You just do the best you can with the knowledge and wits that you have at the time.
I'm leaving my comment on this post, even though it's old, because if I may, I want to encourage you to find a therapist to talk to. I started taking anti-depressant medication when my son was about 2, and after a short stint in couples therapy (we were declared healthy and sent on our merry way), I did without talk therapy for several years. My psych gently encouraged me to find someone, but I didn't see the point. I believed that I knew what a therapist would have to say to me (having been in therapy before) and that I wouldn't get much out of it. It took a crisis for me to see that I wasn't handling things as well as I thought and that I really could use some help.
My psych often says that medication can only treat the chemical causes and manifestations of mental illness. The root causes can only be resolved through talk therapy. The way I might put it is once the chemicals are sorted out, we still have the demons to deal with: the thought patterns and deep assumptions we have about ourselves that go way back. We might be ashamed of these demons, and shame might be the strongest demon of them all. So we really don't want to TALK about them!
What I found from my experience is that thinking that we already know what the experience of therapy will be like, and that it won't really help, is just the depression talking. Depression tells us that things are the way they are and we just need to stop whining about it. It's not the same as acceptance. It's more like, stop boring yourself and the rest of the world with your troubles. The thing that's missing from depression-think is compassion -- compassion for yourself. This is HARD! It HURTS! And yet you are holding it together.
My wonderful therapist has helped me most by helping me see how hard I am on myself and developing compassion for myself. That makes everything else much easier to handle. She sometimes give advice about how to handle my son or the schools, or to reach out for this or that kind of support -- but only when I ask for it. Mainly she's helped me to clearly see the legacy of my childhood -- those talkative demons -- and to talk back to them. And she's nurtured other voices within my psyche that are much more gentle and helpful. (The better angels of our nature, maybe?)
Anyway, I wish you comfort and happiness and much joy with your son -- and strength for the journey.
Thank you, Brooklyn Gal,
I do forget that I should put some time and energy into my own health, mentally and physically. I am channeling everything into my son.
Now that things have calmed down a bit in my life I need to start looking for someone to take care of me and all of my old issues. It can only help when it comes to dealing with them when they show up in my son.
Thanks again!
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