This is what Monster told Hubby tonight when he asked if he could play with his friends after dinner and I said no.
This is what he is learning at his day school. How to label his feelings, how to verbalize his anger.
I was pretty impressed.
The other day when I made him put away his water toys after running through the sprinker he asked me, "Mommy, why is it I feel like I am always your servant?"
This is great. The kid truly believes we make him do everything in the house. We make him dress himself, clear his dishes after a meal, clean his own messes and put away his toys. And brush his own teeth. And we are, according to him, making him do EVERYTHING, and we just SIT THERE AND DO NOTHING.
So, what do we do? We laugh at him, which pisses him off more. We shouldn't. I hated being laughed at when I was a kid. So I try not to. I try to take him seriously and say, I know you feel like we expect you to do a lot, but you're getting older now and you are going to have more responsibilities as you get older. But he keeps it up. Keeps whining and complaining until I just laugh.
He hasn't told me he hates me yet. It'll be soon, I'm sure. He actually HAS told me, "I don't love you." and when I say, well, I love you so there, he turns around and says he was just kidding.
I know, he's trying to get reactions. He's trying to figure out ways to hurt us. What happens from here? He peed on our couch. Now he's just saying rotten things to us. When does he start making the threats? When do we start to worry?
The other day he told me, "You can't MAKE me do this!" about something I really wanted him to do, and I thought, you know, he's almost right. He's heavy, now. I can't lift him. He's strong, too. His build is thick and muscular.
The threats become more outlandish. "Well, then, if you don't, you're grounded for a week AND no treats for a week AND no TV AND no Star Wars on Playstation...." literally - sometimes that's what it takes.
So it's like taking a dog on a walk when he doesn't want to walk. We tug. And tug. And make some leeway, but then lose some ground when he pulls back. It's a battle of wills and he hates that it's two against one and he fights even harder now that he knows he cannot divide and conquer.
Maybe this is normal 6-year-old behavior. It's very frustrating, regardless.
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(Polycotte is the new name for Brooklyn Gal. I'm not originally from Brooklyn, and I've never really been a "gal"!)
This post makes me smile -- though I'm happier reading about it than going through it myself.
"I'm not your servant!" "Why do you make me do EVERYTHING?!" "You can't MAKE me!" I don't know if this is typical 6-yr-old behavior -- I think it is, but not to the extent that your son and mine engage in it. I love your image of feeling like you're always dragging a big dog out for a walk, who doesn't want to walk. It really is a struggle, too much of the time.
A line that I came up with a few years ago that helps is, "I'm the grown up, you're the kid." Sometimes it seems that he needs to be reminded of how this thing works.
And I know all about the threats growing incrementally larger. Of course, to be effective, they can't be just threats, you have to follow through. And huge consequences just don't work with these kids. We've had some success with emphasizing rewards and praise. Praise for even beginning to comply, or calming down and not shouting, help to turn the tide. My son really responds to praise. Even very recently, (and he's 11), he was doing something I asked, and I said, "Thank you," and he said, "Am I a good boy?" I answered, "Yes, you are a good boy, you know what is the right thing to do, and it makes me so happy when you do it." Smiles, smiles. He needs the affirmation.
On your point about Monster being strong, and concern about when to worry ... We came to that point about six months ago. I mean, he's gotten tall and strong, and when he's in a rage (which happens less often, but still), his slaps and kicks really hurt. He also scared us one time when he fell into a black despair about the possibility of being humiliated at school, and said that he was going to get a knife and kill himself, and he actually got up from his seat to go to the kitchen. My husband sat him down again, and he stayed, but we got scared that sometime, when we're not right there to stop him, he might go through with these impulsive, destructive thoughts. That's when his psychiatrist recommended that we put him on a low dose of Risperidone, to tone down his aggressive impulses. We had resisted taking this step, trying to focus on keeping him well-fueled with good food at the right times, and making sure he gets enough sleep. But he is strong enough that for his own safety and ours, we need to turn to medication for help. (He's already been on Strattera for ADHD.) The Risperidone has improved our family life incredibly.
We didn't start with medication until he was nine -- I can understand if you've been avoiding it so far. For our part, we're really grateful to live during a time when effective medications are available. (I should note that in addition to meds, he sees a therapist and during the school year, goes to a social skills group. And my husband and I have our own therapists and psychiatrists, and have done all sorts of family/couples counseling and training. Even with the whole bag, it's still a struggle. Thank goodness for my meditation practice and my garden.)
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