Hiding emotions

Monster sometimes knows I'm upset before I do.

There's no way I can hide how scared I am about the surgery to remove this "thing" on my leg. It's this coming Wednesday.

I've been fine until now, pretending to myself that I'm not afraid, but now I am terrified.

And when I'm scared, it scares Monster. So I try to hide it.

He knows, though. He can tell when I am hiding something.

So maybe I should just tell him.

And I think this would be easier if I knew he would maybe be a little shaken by this whole thing, but not then turn around and beat up on his classmates or teachers because of it.

I try to keep things from him because I don't want him hurting other people.

Maybe I need to stop tiptoe-ing around him. He knows anyhow. It upsets him anyhow. It's a no-win situation. When Mommy is upset, Monster gets upset, and a whole chain reaction goes off. Whether or not I tell him the truth.

It's just that what I don't need when I am stressed like this are reports from school that Monster was hitting, Monster was making bad choices, etc. I know there needs to be communication but sometimes I want to say to them, "Did you deal with it? Great! Then LEAVE ME OUT!"

And I know that's not really what I want either, and it isn't what I really mean.