Monster has been in OT since he was about 3. It has helped him so much and I wrote once how OT gave my son a good attitude about himself - that he could do anything if he tried hard enough.
So why did I pull him out of OT tonight?
We couldn't go on like this.
The dayschool means M doesn't get home until 4:30. OT is at 5. So we rush rush rush and M cries and whines and complains that he doesn't get any rest time. And he doesn't. And I feel awful rushing him after he's been at day treatment.
Today I had my weekly phone meeting with Monster's counselor from the day treatment program. She said, "of course he's crabby and tired in the evenings. We wear him out here. We don't let anything slide; we hold him accountable for everything. It's very intensive.
So I'm sitting there in the waiting room tonight while M is doing his OT and I'm thinking about all of this, and about how the counselor told me it will just get worse when school starts in a month because he will be expected to behave well for 8 hours instead of 4, and I thought, that's it. We're done.
Not done for good, done. Done until the day treatment program is over.
I have decided Monster is going to be on "downtime" mode from the time he gets home until bed, every night except Wednesdays. He has swimming, and he actually likes it, and last week (of course the week I wasn't there because of my surgery) he swam, for the first time, completely unassisted and with his face in the water. So I want to make sure we don't just cut the swimming out right now.
Now I feel guilty. I think about people whose kids are taking music lessons or dance lessons or playing team sports and here's my kid, in OT and in special swim classes.
And I've tried soccer. Monster got so upset when the other team scored a goal that he wouldn't be able to play the rest of the game.
We did acting class. Monster tried to kill a kid on "graduation day" and though the owner didn't say it outright, he basically asked us not to bring M back for another semester.
And now I took away OT. M used to love it and look forward to it. Ever since the day treatment started he cries every time he has to go. It stresses him out too much.
He won't do karate. He won't take piano lessons. I've asked.
I think I'm worrying too much about not giving my son a chance to experience life the way most kids do. But then, he won't anyhow, right?
I feel like it's the right decision, but I'm so upset right now.
I worry that my son won't be "good at" anything when he grows up, because he never got any lessons.
I guess I just keep offering. Or maybe he'll see something sometime and tell me he wants to do it.
He'll be okay, right? I mean, I played soccer, took piano lessons, and played basketball. And all I got from all of it was, I will never, NEVER be good at anything athletic, and I sure as heck can play "chopsticks" as well as anyone else out there. And when I was on teams, I was usually the kid that would make the other kids groan when the coach put me in.
So why am I so sad that my son isn't going through that torture?
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About Me
- Pangaia
- I am a married mom to an only child, my son Monster who was diagnosed with Asperger's when he was 4-1/2. This blog is about him and my day-to-day fights and victories. And yes, I make typos and forget to spell check. I guess I'm lazy that way.
1 comment:
I think maybe you are sad because raising a non-neuro-typical kid means constantly letting go of the idea of the perfect, normal, happy childhood you have always wanted to give your child. We all go through it. Even parents of more typical kids go through it.
I say, hooray for you for attending to your son's immediate needs. Down-time is good! He won't get much out of OT if he's exhausted. You can start it up again in the fall.
We twisted ourselves into pretzels about music lessons for our son (now 11). His grandfather was a professional musician, and both his grandmothers play (or played) piano expertly. My husband studied an instrument through college, and is now a serious non-professional musician (we're talking practicing two instruments every day). And I studied piano and am playing again. There's a lot of musical instinct and talent in our son's genes. He's sensitive to music and enjoys listening to it. But music lessons were another story. He played clarinet in the school band for two years, and also had private lessons year-round. Then he played piano as well for a while, then just piano. (He complained that he hated the way the reed buzzed in his mouth.) Getting him to practice was torture for all of us. But my husband and I felt it was important for him to develop the discipline of practicing (character-building, you know) and expertise in an instrument so that he could begin to enjoy it.
Then we heard about a music therapy/social skills group for kids with ADHD/Asperger's. They improvise on various instruments, composing pieces together. We knew that he would never agree to taking lessons as well as attending this group, so we dropped the lessons. We felt really guilty and sad about it, but it was a great decision. Now music is in his life, but without all the pressure. (And the group is taking a break for the summer.)
We tried soccer and it was a huge failure -- picture him lying down in the middle of the field as the others scramble around the ball elsewhere. We did two years of Little League. But we're not going to push it anymore. He has some athletic ability, but he doesn't enjoy it. There is such an expectation in our culture that boys, especially, play team sports, and even he feels odd in not liking to play -- more confirmation that he's a nerd.
So, other kids do chess club, robotics, soccer, swimming, tennis, etc etc after school and on the weekends, and our son goes to music group on Monday and talk therapy on Friday. It's not your typical schedule, but it's what he needs.
When your child is different, there's going to be a lot of grief, hitting you unexpectedly at times. Please don't beat yourself up about it. These feelings are not neurotic/weird/inappropriate. Just take care of yourself.
With cyber hugs,
Polycotte
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