Finding fault

I know this is futile but I do still catch myself wondering sometimes why Monster is the way he is. Who "gave" him Asperger's?
I drank a can of Diet Coke every day that I was pregnant.
I smoked and took Ambien daily until I found out I was pregnant.
I was on antidepressants through most of my pregnancy - low-grade and suposedly didn't get absorbed through the umbilical cord but who knows?
Plus, if you list all of the things I ingested or inhaled during high school....
I had Monster immunized - right on schedule. Including the MMR, all in one.
The birth was horrible for my boy - his heart rate kept dropping and he had an Apgar of 2 when he finally came out with the cord wrapped around his neck.
He had ear infections almost monthly for the first year. Lots of antibiotics.

Really- it could have been anything.

But then I look at things from a different angle. After reading everything I could get my hands on about Asperger's, I am pretty sure my dad and my uncle, his only sibling, both have it.
I also think that my mom's father had it.
My three brothers and I, we each have lots of ASD traits.
And I've been told that Asperger's is inherited, not caused by environmental factors.

So there's that too. And really it doesn't matter. When I get to the real truth behind it all, I was playing with fire by getting pregnant anyhow. Here I was, a woman who has suffered from depression and insomnia for most of her life (since I was 4 or so), who has been hospitalized for the depression when it became unmanageable, and who married a man whose mother was so classically OCD and whose father was an alcoholic.

What sort of child did I expect from this "colorful" gene pool we offered?

But I forget that we have given Monster many gifts, too, because there are people in both of our families who are ridiculously smart and talented and creative.
And what Monster seems to be is many of the best traits from both sides of the family.

I know it doesn't matter now. Monster is here and he is who he is, and he came from us with our many flaws and we raise him and we make mistakes but we also do many things right.

But sometimes I still wonder, you know? I think I will always wonder. What was it that caused my son to become who he is? And maybe sometime I will be able to just accept that all of it is simply destiny, and my son is exactly who he is supposed to be and he came from our lives and our ancestors' lives just as he was meant to.

I still kick myself regularly for the Diet Coke, though.