Mean people

There are people out there who go out of their way to make my son feel bad about himself. I don't know why. These people are just plain crappy people who obviously hate themselves and look for vulnerable people to take their self-hatred out on.

So I build my son's defenses every chance I get. It seems like the best talks happen on the ride to swimming lessons every Wednesday night. The traffic is awful, we're sitting in the car for at least a half hour, and we're not really going anywhere very quickly, so we talk.

And tonight he brought up the evil bitch at his last daycare. The woman who called him "Special Ed" when there were no other adults around, and then told the manager when questioned that she was calling him "Special Friend" and he must have misunderstood.

I said to him, "you are in special ed, you know that, right?" and he said yes. Then he asked, so why was this woman mean for saying it to him?

Because, I told him, some people will say things to you because they want you to feel bad. She said it in a way that she was hoping you'd be sad about it.

It's complicated, but I explained it as best I could; people could say something to you like, "Oh, you're in special ed!" in a tone of voice like it was just an interesting fact about you. Then some people will say it like it's a bad thing, or they'll say you have Asperger's like it's a bad thing, and the only way they can make you feel bad about it is if you feel bad about yourself.

So I'm trying to explain to him, YOU know it's okay to be in special ed, right? YOU know there's nothing wrong with you - you have Asperger's, and all that means is your brain works differently than most other kids', but it doesn't make you bad or wrong. You know that, right?

And he tells me, of course I know that. And I believe him. For now.

But I wonder how long it will be before other kids' (and adults', which I shouldn't even have to worry about, but people sometimes suck),opinions of him matter more than what his mom and dad tell him. Right now he's in this happy little bubble we've constructed for him, and for the most part he feels safe and supported. When people do try to make him feel bad about himself, he seems to let it roll right off, but then he also is a kid who doesn't let on about what is going on in his head. So who knows?

Someday though, he will notice the differences more. I see them more, as his friends and classmates grow up with him. His differences are becoming more pronounced. Other kids are becoming more aware. Monster knows he's different but what about when he one day decides that being different really sucks?

These kids get anxious a lot. And they are prone to depression. Because they are so sensitive even while they are seemingly oblivious.

Monster has been having lots of nightmares these past few nights, bad days at school, and he is showing stress by doing things like asking hubby and I repeatedly what our names are. I am stressing myself over this because I don't know what's wrong. He had leg pains - maybe it's growing pains? I worry that someone is treating him badly and he isn't telling us. He had that one DCP who flicked him in the head and spanked him, and we didn't find out about it until months after M had been kicked out.

But then my stress helps feed his. I need to relax. But I worry so much about this kid. He's so vulnerable. I can't protect him forever (and obviously haven't even done the greatest job up to this point). I guess that's why I'm particularly stressed. Because I've already let my son down so many times. I can't stand the idea of this happening again and again. I do my best and it isn't good enough. People hurt my kid. And I hate it.