Growing up normal

This six-year-old boy of mine has suddenly developed an attitude. He's a smartass. He talks back and mouths off. And I wonder, is the EBD classroom to blame? Is he picking up attitude from those boys? I'm going to ask his teacher what she thinks. I really have no idea how much exposure he's had to these boys. But they're all second graders, and my son is still in kindergarten.
But then there's part of me that thinks, this is normal 6-year-old behavior. And it is. So I wonder, is this a sign of improvement, in a way? A sign that he has taken another step into the "normal" world?
It's like the time I was arguing with his after-school-care director. She was telling me how Monster had called him aide the "f" word and a poopy head, and I had asked her, but isn't that an improvement in your eyes? Because it was in mine. At a point not too long ago in my son's life he would have simply whacked the woman. Not that what he did was right at all, but, you know, baby steps.
So. Recently I have been sending my son to his room for being a little smartass to me or his dad quite often. But even as I do it I wonder, is this progress, in some sort of odd, Asperger's world way? Because before he developed this attitude he simply threw tantrums. It's like he's found his own voice now, and he's using it, dammit.


This brings me to another, sadder sort of progress in my son. Sad for me, at least. Monster is not even my baby boy anymore. I knew it would happen eventually but when this attitude moved in his wanting to snuggle with me all of the time, play with me all of the time, want my undivided attention to the point that I sometimes thought I would suffocate, moved out. Sure last night he wanted to fall asleep in my bed. I have cut him down to once a weekend and any nights hubby isn't home. But he doesn't even seem to really mind anymore. He used to cry when we told him no. Now he just shrugs and asks when the weekend is.

I think a lot lately about that book, "Loverboy", and how terrible that mom felt when she realized her son was moving into the outside world and loving others besides just her and I see the tragedy she felt, the loss. Would I kill us both because I was losing my loverboy? Of course not. But I understand her despondence.

So. My Monster grows up and away from me. And even as I feel sad I also feel a sort of relief. As if I can breathe a bit. Today I yelled at him for wanting to come in through the front door when the back was already opened. Yes, I yelled. It was a buildup of the entire day, so it maybe wasn't as awful as it sounds alone. But for the first time ever this child held a grudge against me. Something we had planned on doing before I yelled, he suddenly changed his mind and said no, I want to help Daddy. And I realized that I knew this day would come, when I was not the beginning and end of his love and desires. When he could tell me no to something I had invited him to do. The umbilical, which maybe has been intact too long, has definitely been severed.

And I tell myself I should be sad. Maybe I should be. Maybe I will be.