Acceptance - will it happen for hubby?

I sometimes wonder if hubby will ever adjust to the fact that our son has a disability which makes some of the behaviors hubby expects from him difficult if not impossible for Monster to master. I don’t think Monster is really limited in any way, but when hubby says things like, “He’s six now, he should be able to do these things,” I have to remind him that yes, he is six, and many six-year-olds CAN do these things. Monster maybe can do these things. But the Asperger’s means the ability may be blocked in some way, or delayed. What everyone in M’s life is working at is to help Monster map out his differently-wired mind and come to the places school and society expect him to be. This can be frustrating for Monster. He doesn’t have a map with a red “You Are Here” arrow. He knows where he needs to get to, but he needs to get his bearings first.

The other night, and not for the first time, Monster asked me why Daddy is always crabby. Now, if I ask hubby why he’s always crabby he claims he isn’t. But you hear it in his voice – the frustration, the anger bubbling just beneath the surface. He is frustrated that he cannot bark orders at this child and expect complete obedience. Not because Monster doesn’t want to do it. Usually, he will comply if he knows how. My approval and Dad’s approval are very important to Monster and he does what he can to get it. But hubby is often gruff with the little guy, short-tempered and frazzled.And it’s sad, because I know he loves him. And he tries. It’s just the acceptance that eludes him, and acceptance that would break down the wall he builds between himself and his son. It’s sad to watch. Especially when he is often very jealous of the closeness between Monster and me. It’s what he wants. But he would need to give up an entire belief system he grew up with and he seems unable to do so. Or maybe he doesn’t even see that his way to his son is blocked, by him. He seems to think it’s my fault that there is this division between the two of them. But I am the one who tries to get them to connect. And Monster is always eager to work toward Daddy. But Daddy often slams the door in his little face. And it’s frustrating as hell to be the one watching it, and feeling helpless to get these two together.

So what do I do? I try to chip away slowly at hubby’s defense system, to get him to see Monster as the special human being that he is. Is he defiant, annoying, disobedient, and sometimes frustrating as hell? Of course. But right under that behavior, there is a small child who wants and needs his parents to love and accept him and guide him gently toward his own discoveries, his own path into society and his own place where he can feel as if he fits and belongs. I do believe he will find his way. I also believe he will do it with or without his father’s help. But if Daddy were right there beside him, I know it would make his trip easier. And I think hubby would enjoy the trip too, if he allowed himself to.