my baby boy

Monster is 6, but I still see him as my baby. This big, grown-up kid who has graduated kindergarten is still, in my mind, my tiny boy. I think we moms do this when we feel our kids need extra protection. Or when we need to see the good, sweet child that exists under this rotten brat we see too often. I know that I remind myself often that this is my tiny baby, and it takes away some of my impatience, and gives me back my perspective. What do I want to see when I look at my son? Basically, the choice is mine. I can see a monstrous child who doesn’t do what is asked of him and who hits and bites and has trouble with other kids and teachers, or I could see the small, vulnerable child who is confused and lost in this strange foreign world and needs my guidance. He’s the same kid, either way that I look at him. But if I see the bad kid, what will Monster do? He’ll see that I look for the bad behavior and think to himself, “I’m a bad kid.” And he won’t believe in himself. He’ll decide, I’m bad, so I might as well not even try. If I see the good kid who needs some guidance, Monster will say to himself, “I’m a good kid; Mom and Dad see it, it must be true.” Is this spoiling him? I think it’s the only way he will be able to grow into a contributing member of society. I think it’s imperative to build his self-esteem to make sure it is rock-solid now. I have probably said this before, but there will be enough people out there trying to tear my son down. There are people who have already done this to my son. So, at home, I OD him on self-esteem. I tell him he’s smart, and wonderful, and sweet, and caring, and kind, and very, very lovable. And I tell him he can be my little baby for as long as he wants, because he likes being babied. At this point I see him pulling away, going out into the world bravely on his own, but when he comes back to me he wants to curl up in my arms and be helpless and sweet. And I believe doing this for him will give him the confidence to go farther and farther out there in the world, knowing that he can always go back to being my baby whenever he needs it.

Plus, I just love it. I still get to hold my baby in my arms, even though this baby’s legs and arms are long and gangly and have sharp knees and elbows which bump and jab and seem to get in the way. But then he settles, and we both sigh, as if we have both found our natural state – my arms around my son, and he with his head on my chest, and he sighs and I feel his breathing slow and his heart rate calm. And I feel myself calming too, because this is the “fix” I wait for al day long.

My baby is back, for whatever short amount of time he wants to be held. I love it. My Monster is a sweet, lovable, wonderful Monster. He is so grown up in so many ways and I am so proud of him and tell him often how proud I am when he is independent and brave. I don’t want to keep him my baby forever. But if he wants to be my baby for a half hour at night forever, I will never ask him to stop.