Kicking, hitting: Other annoying things

Monster is very aggressive. Not so much at home, but daycare and school. Sure, we've had our share (mostly me), but he saves most of that for when he's overwhelmed around other kids and noise and lights, etc.

I don't blame him for it. It's part of whom he is. It's just that this is the part of him that the the rest of society really frowns upon.

So what do I do? He'll grow out of it, I've been told, and as he grows older the attacks do seem to decrease in number but increase in intensity.

And today was his first day at the afternoon program. When he got home I knew he would be extra-stressed; a new activity, a long ride home (the driver got stuck in road construction), and hot and sweaty from playing outside. What I didn't expect was the return of the hitting and kicking. Because he hit me today, and then he kicked me. And then when I was trying to help him get his swimsuit on for his lesson he was blowing in my face. Poking me. After the lessons, getting him out of the shower, he was doing it again. Blowing razzberries in my face. Yelling in my ear.

Sometimes I want to smack the shit out of him.

But he knows as soon as he does it that it was wrong, because he instantly looks concerned and says, I'm sorry, Mommy!! I'm so sorry!"

Of course I know I'm being played. But he only acts this way when he is really stressed.

I feel like a battered wife, only it's my child who batters me.

This afternoon program, added to the classroom he started in Kindergarten and will stay in next year, are supposed to teach him how to deal with his stress better. I don't know how. I can't even deal with my stress. More power to them, I guess.

I'm just a bit discouraged, is all. Here is this place that is going to change my son's bad behaviors, or claims they will, and the first day he's back to doing things he hasn't done to me in over a year or more.

I have to give it time. I know this. He will get worse before he gets better. I am expecting this. He will never get 100% "better". I know this too. But sometimes I wish I had a crystal ball so I could see if all of this is worth it, if it really will make his life better for us to put him through all of this. Because sometimes I wonder if what we are doing is more damaging than helpful; the labelling, the placement with emotionally/behaviorally disturbed children, the need we all have to improve on this child by removing part of him, weeding out the parts society doesn't like and making room for the acceptable stuff to grow.

Hell, who am I kidding? I hate getting hit and kicked. I hate having to find him new after school programs, and picking him up from school.

Plus, I think he feels proud of himself when he conquers those demons inside of him. Those times that he chooses to yell instead of hit, or chooses to kick a ball instead of the kid next to him (who may or may not even be involved in the issue). He understands that whatever he needs is inside of him if he can just find the right paths.

I hope that this place gives him a really good map.

I'm tired of getting hit.