Weeks pass by

School is one week away.

Our PCA actually DID get her ID badge so she actually can be Monster's PCA but it doesn't really matter now because she's done in a week.

We found out that the place that does M's respite will be available to him next summer - all day, every day Mon-Fri if we choose to do that. It's out of our way and he needs a lunch packed every day,but we might end up doing that. I know - leave it to me to start asking about next summer, but Monster has loved his Fridays there so much that he wanted me to make sure he could come back.

Monster is still in swimming but suffering a setback from the time he was at the rec center pool with Hubby and he jumped into the deep end and the lifeguard went in after him. He was scared and humiliated. So now he doesn't want to swim anymore. I try to explain to him that the lifeguard was doing his job and that when M learns to swim the lifeguard won't DO that anymore, but he is still freaked.

I have spent a good portion of this past month in a black depression that I didn't think I would get through. I spent a lot of time wondering how much better off Monster would be if I weren't around and would Hubby be able to handle him and maybe it would be for the best?
I wondered a lot if anything I have done for my child has helped in any way or am I simply making his life more difficult and really has he gotten any farther than he would have if I had simply let life take its course? I felt as if I had been deluding myself thinking I was making some sort of difference, thinking that I was going to make things better not only for my child but for others who will come after him. I felt stupid blogging about my son as if nobody else has struggled and fought for their child to simply be accepted and cared for.

I never heard from the OCR, but now I don't really care. After school care is a moot point right now - it isn't ideal but Hubby will go into work early on Friday, I will go in late, and Hubby will be home for Monster's afternoon bus.

The day treatment will keep Monster at school until 4 every Mon-Thurs, and I can be home for that bus.

I was hoping by this time that I might be able to work from home but my boss dislikes and/or distrusts me and won't let me work from home. But still it will work out, and since nobody wants to care for my son on school closing days hubby and I are divying up the days and staying home with him.

First grade starts right where Kindergarten dumped Monster off three months ago - same classroom, same teacher. Same uncontrollable children being carefully placed out into school settings so they can hopefully someday be properly mainstreamed.

I don't have as much hope for Monster's being mainstreamed as I used to. Since the day treatment program started M is in many ways just that much more difficult to deal with. He yells more, tantrums more, even hits more.

Hubby is losing control of himself and blowing up and I find myself blowing up at Monster more often and it feels as if we will all implode soon. I'm so grateful that we only have this one child because our family already feels out of control and chaotic. I can't imagine adding another child to the mix.

This is painful for me to write. I thought I was past this stage but I'm sitting here crying as I write this. Monster has friends down the street that he loves to pieces and they continue to come around and pester and treat M badly and we have kicked them out of the house but they strike when Monster is playing outside and Monster is so thrilled to play with them and I'm supposed to keep them away but Monster has to have friends. They're not the worst kids in the world - they just have shitty parents. And they offer a sort of perpetual energy and emotional unbalance that Monster seems to thrive on - like a nonstop roller coaster ride.

Which is how he likes his whole life to be, which is why he throws drama and trauma into an otherwise idyllic peaceful day. Today the whole DAY was about Monster - I played Indiana Jones Lego with him for a couple of hours and then he wanted to invite his Asperger's friend R over. I called and set up the play date. The only thing we needed to do was go out and buy a dishwasher. And of course this was Monster's cue to fall apart and make sure we all ended up upset because HE had to go someplace he didn't want to go.

I guess I won't start jumping to any conclusions. School starts in one week and then we will only need to worry about the neighborhood feral children on the weekends because their parents have a rule that they can't play on school nights. Thank goodness. And we ran into a little girl at the nearby park who M went to school with before he was placed in special ed and her grandma gave me her number. Maybe he can make friends with her and want to play with her all of the time? Maybe he will make friends at school.

I'm so tired of deluding myself into thinking everything will turn out okay for Monster. I am going into this school year far less hopeful and far less expectant. I don't have any desire to fight and don't anticipate any need. I can't take my frustration any further than I've taken it. The fight in me is gone and my son seems to be losing ground. All the help that fluttered in and out of my life has wandered off - they lose interest in the older kids, the lost causes, and go after the young, fresh ones with a new vigor - THIS one I will fix! - and the rest of us with the no-longer-cute, no-longer-promising, no-longer-fresh-and-malleable children are sent out into the world with our damaged goods, and we sink or we swim. We have no choice.